THERAPY SESSION IN PROGRESS
So I lost my cell phone - yes I realize this is not a major catastrophe but there are underlying issues (aren't there always?) I have come to realize!
From the beginning: So yesterday morning started off pretty normal, progressed actually pretty slow for me until after lunch kicked in to high/normal gear! Around 9pm I was sitting in line at the Taco Bell drive thru planning to be done for the day when my phone rang and Chris needed me down at Marietta to pick them up and bring them home - no biggie but Marietta seems a million miles away at 9 at night! I did proceed to eat my supper on the way down while driving (not recommended - tacos are messy) anyway when I got down to the field I jumped out to brush off the taco leavings and must have lost my phone in the process but didn't realize it till I got back home - I had Lou call my phone thinking it would be in my truck (luckily it was on ring and not vibrate) but no luck, called Chris, who was still cutting beans - he walked around the area where I was, looked and called my phone but couldn't find it! So after tearing my truck apart looking I decided to head back down there this morning to look - it went like this:
I take off and head down there somewhat panicked over losing it - it wasn't a fancy phone, I have had it probably 3 years - but it had all my contacts in it, some pictures and I knew how to use it - and might I add that this is the stupidest time of the year to lose a burnt orange phone - you have no idea how many crunchy dead leaves I have slammed my brakes on for thinking it was my phone! And then panic set in and then I am crying - driving faster and crying harder - then I start to reason with myself:
For the love of God Jennifer Leigh (yes it required my first and middle name) it is not that big of deal - 1. the phone was old 2. you have never lost a phone before so it is not like a habit 3. you are not all that important the world will keep turning if you are out of contact for awhile 4. all your contacts were family and close friends it isn't like they were important business contacts that if lost you won't be able to make an income and feed your family.
So I start thinking of all the peoples numbers I have in my phone and that is when it hit me:
SPEED DIAL #5
and I drove faster and cried harder!
#5 is my Dad's cell! I had never taken his number out of my contacts or speed dial - just didn't seem necessary I guess - it was just there and somehow I guess I found comfort in it - but if I bought a new phone and started over there would be no reason to put it in and that made me uncomfortable - and I cried - I have cried a lot over losing Dad but I realized that when I cry I have been crying for others - I cry a lot for my Mom and I cry a lot for my brother but not for me so much - and today was for me - I realize that if I got a new phone I could of just an easily put his number in that phone but that just wasn't the same, it wouldn't be necessary, it would be down right silly - and he would of been the first person to say that - so that is when I had to use my first and middle name again -
Jennifer Leigh suck it up - it is just a phone and a phone number - get a hold of yourself!
So I flip the radio on and what the heck song is just starting but Zac Brown Band, No Hurry - you have got to be kidding me - I love this song, I heard it for the first time on my way home from the hospital the day Dad died - it was fitting, there is one line in the song that fit my Dad perfectly:
'let the world go on without me I wouldn't have it any other way'
And yes I cried harder!
I looked for the phone in the field, grass lane between the fields, in the ditches on the way home! Chris looked in the field, grass lane between the fields and the ditches on the way home! My MIL looked in the field, grass lane between the fields and the ditches on the way home!
No one found it - and I realized that it was something I was going to have to get over - it wasn't going to make it less hard for him to be gone, it wasn't going to change anything, it was just a phone number and in the grand scheme of things it didn't really matter.
This afternoon we had soils practice and I decided to stop at the shop on my way to school and clean the trash out of my truck - as I am throwing stuff away I pick up the tied up Taco Bell bag of trash from last night and give it one last feel to just make sure my phone didn't get accidentally put in there AND there it was - and I was happy - happy to have my phone back, happy that I didn't have to re-enter my contacts and happy that my Dad's number is still speed dial #5 - I know it doesn't change anything or do any good but by having it there it is just one little piece of reality that I can still avoid for now - and I am OK with that!